August 26th. Life gets in the way. August 26, 2009

Been a while huh? Life has been very Life-y lately, have crawled inside my mind too often the past few weeks, a very dangerous place to be.

I was just making my to do list for the rest of the week and half watching a show called “Secret Lives of Women”, the episode being about women who have had drastic weight loss. One women lost 180 pounds through just diet and exercise, another lady lost 160 with the gastric band…and then became a burlesque dancer and pin up!
So I’m just kind of half watching this. Looking up in time to see the before pictures and think to myself “wow…she was huge” and then as my eyes drop back to my to do list I hear how much they weighed in the before pictures and my eyes shoot back up to the screen in shock! That’s my weight!! Oh my God! For ages I would say things like “well they are probably 5 inches shorter than me” or “Yeah, but I carry it better”…..those are all bullshit, weak excuses. Yes, I said it. Bull. Shit. I’m so mad at myself for letting myself off the hook so easily for so long.
I think these women are ridiculously fat and they end up being 5 pounds lighter than I am, why has it taken me so long to wake up? And why is my “waking up” process a slow and gradual wake up? They are saying the exact things I have always said “I saw my reflection and wondered who that fat person was and then realized it was me”, “I am not this fat person inside, I don’t feel inside the way that I look outside”.
It seems like everyone that deals with weight loss is much more in touch with reality than I am. They realize how they look eventually and deal with it. I feel like I have mini eye opening moments that make me sad and I start dieting and working out and then I slip back into my safe bubble and tell myself some sort of lie about how I’m not as bad off as I think.

Ok, enough pity party.
I have been stalling and hovering on weight loss but have been losing inches. I should have measured myself before starting all of this. All my pants are fitting too loosely, but I’m not yet the size of the next size down. I’m happy things are loose but frustrated I’m not a full size down yet. If this was a pin up style “Oopsie, my size 2 pants fell down while I was carrying these groceries” I would be embarrassed sure, but I’d get over it.
Let me give you a bit of a visual of what it actually looks like:

Imagine me walking down a city block. Imagine you are a stranger across the street looking at me.
You: “Oh my goodness! Call 911! I think that fat girl is having a seizure! She’s flailing her feet, wiggling her ass, her hands are at her hips…..Oh, wait, I think she just keeps pulling her pants up every few steps….nevermind”
Yes, this is what it looks like. Adam caught me doing this routine the other night to great comic relief, for him.

What is doing WONDERS for my anxiety riddled mind is a 2 week family vacation to the Outer Banks, we are leaving Saturday! I am so excited to hang out on the beach, float in the pool, relax on the deck. What I also plan on doing is lots of swimming, walking in the sand and I’m going to ask my mom and sister to do callanetics with me every day…we can sweat then jump in the pool!!!

Going to weigh myself right before vacation and then when I get back. We’ll see how well I do! It is vacation after all!

Hugs,
Fatty McB.
Song for today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCZ_bv9aLc

August 8th August 8, 2009

Is there a pill that I can take that makes spinach taste like french fries and french fries taste like puke?!? Please? I need it.
And while the scientists are at it they can find a way to make exercise more fun. Why can’t I lose weight, tone muscle and strengthen my core by car dancing, or singing at the top of my lungs. The only fun way to do all this is with a night of dancing, its just not something I can do every night. If any of you read about these new discoveries in “Impossible Science Weekly”

It has dawned on me recently that for months (maybe years?) now I have drawn the conclusion in my mind that when I get skinny I will be a better mom, wife, housewife, sister, daughter, friend, person. The logical side of me knows this is absolute crap. I guess coming out of my safe denial bubble it has allowed me to see things clearly, slowly but surely.
Being skinny doesn’t make me a better person. And why for God’s sake am I waiting to be skinny to be these things?! Being skinny doesn’t mean happiness. Being able to buy clothes in absolutely any store I walk into won’t make me a great housewife. I’m not stupid, why did I let myself believe this for so long? And how can I start being the best mom, wife (and yes, housewife) that I can be right NOW?!?

I also need to know why there aren’t uneven clothes sizes. I always seem to be in between a size. The size I currently am (yes, i’m avoiding telling you the digits on purpose…giant baby step from that) is a tiny bit big in most pants. I’m constantly pulling my pants up. But the next size down is a bit too snug. It basically means I constantly feel frumpy and unkempt. No matter how big my ass has gotten my waist (also large) will stay smaller than my hips so I get pants that fit my hips but are too big for my waist. I have always been an hourglass figure…now I’m just more like a 24-hourglass figure. And no, dresses and skirts aren’t the other option because….well….let’s just say chaffing is an issue. Now I think writing the word “chaffing” should make up for not yet admitting my size or weight, right?

On a side note, like my personalities I keep my blog topics seperate.  I have a blog that is not nearly as “all about me” as this one tends to be. I’m on totspot and write a lot about Isaac and our adventures there. You have to join to see it as it’s very super private (to avoid being a kiddie toucher heaven), you can’t search his name unless you join and are approved as a friend by Isaac. He’d love to have you as a friend and tell you all about his crazy days. http://dangerboy.totspot.com/profile

Last night I made another Hungry Girl dinner. It was a Smothered Pig in a Blanket. It was a fat free hot dog, wrapped in a reduced fat crescent roll topped with fat free turkey chili and grated fat free cheese. All of this for under 250 calories!!! I had two of them, so filling and quite yummy!

Smothered Pig in a Blanket. Around 250 calories for all this!!!

Song for today: “Think I hide it all so well” & “Every time I turn around, I run into myself” sum it up pretty well.

Hugs,
Fatty McB.

August 4th: Water is important!! August 4, 2009

We are made up of mostly water. It is the most important thing we need to put in our bodies every day. It is what will make us look and feel our best…..then WHY can’t I remember to drink it?!?!? I mean, I may not have graduated college but I’m not a complete waste of dna. I know that I need to drink water, I have felt how amazing it can help me feel, yet every day my body craves soda (stupid body) and my brain just happens to forget to get water. Before leaving the house I think “Oh! I should drink some water before I go, or better yet, take my new water bottle with me!” but do I leave the house with it? no. I don’t get it! What do I need to do to make me remember? I bought the cool steel water bottle because I thought maybe it would stick in my head each morning to take the brightly colored bottle with me wherever I go, but no. SO frustrating! Especially as I know huge water intake would really help in the weight loss and feeling hungry department! which is…you know…..kind of the whole point!!!

I have had my lovely 6 year old niece with me yesterday and today. We got out and did A LOT over the past 2 days. Did I remember to wear my pedometer?! Hell no! I know it doesn’t really matter, the walking and exercise is what matters but I’m horrible, just awful, at guess-timating so when I’m trying to get in around 10k steps a day and I don’t wear my pedometer I have no clue how close I came.

The workout started this past Sunday when we went over to help my sister and brother in law dig post holes for their new deck. Normally this would be just an average amount of strenuous exercise but their back yard is 90% boulders and 10% dirt we found out. Tons of smashing, digging, pulling and pushing. I did the least of anyone there that day and I still got a massively good upper body workout….and sweat….so much sweat….
They rest of the guys were animals, just digging like maniacs. We think we got it all done, fingers crossed for the hole inspection tomorrow! Hopefully building the rest of the deck will be a breeze by comparison!

Yesterday, when my niece got here, we went first to Monkey Joe’s, then to lunch, then to Elmwood Park Zoo where we walked around for a couple of hours, most of the time I was pushing or pulling the 2 of them in a cart which totalled over 100 pounds. More sweat, more arm workouts and probably thousands of steps walked.

Today we went to Manderach Park for just a little bit. Then to a free movie (Wallace & Grommit)…not much exercise for me there. Unless you count the fact that I spilled Isaac’s water all over him and his chair and for the rest of the movie sat (more like wrestled) with him on my lap and held one foot high out in front of me to prevent anyone from walking through the water and slipping to their death, we were in the front row. Then we went swimming over at Aunt Kirdy’s, swimming has got to be the most fun form of exercise in the world. Didn’t do laps but still moved around a bit and raised Isaac up out of the water a few times. Kirdy got the biggest workout as our niece kept making her flip her out of the water!

I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks now. Not because I’m waiting to see a bigger weight loss but because I’m afraid the 6 pounds already lost is either back on or still all I’ve lost. Yes, I’ve cheated a few times and yes, I’m not working out as I should so I know there will just be dissapointment and self-loathing when I get back on that scale. We’ll see…curiousity might get the best of me soon.

Song for today: Good summer and/or hanging by the pool song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeLjT4nrUTQ

Hugs,
Fatty McB.

August 1st: Swimmy time! August 1, 2009

I would like to mention how in love I am with the Hungry Girl cookbook I just bought! Sure, I’ve only cooked one recipe so far, but it was good!

This morning we had “Fab Five Banana Pancake Minis”. 5 mini pancakes for 185 calories! Added some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray and since I didn’t have any sugar free syrup I put about a tablespoon of honey and some splenda on top. Was it yummy? yes! Was it beyond delicious? no. I wished it was made with white flour and blah blah blah but it was still really yummy, and filling!

5 mini pancakes, 185 calories...with honey about 245.

Then finally got around to hard boiling some eggs again to have on hand for proteiny snacks. Don’t care about calories when it comes to these as the protein is more important to me.

Isaac stole one egg (gave me back half the yolk) so it was about 100 calories give or take.

Going to test out a Hungry Girl quesadilla for lunch and then head to a pool birthday party! FUH-REAKING out over the “me in a bathing suit” thing but it’s going to happen because Isaac will want to swim so I’ll just get over it and live in my pretty world of denial for a few hours. Will make a fruit salad for the party and keep food intake under control the rest of the day.

Hugs,
Fatty McB.
Song for today: Summertime! Warm day, pool, friends, food…and this song!