Been a while huh? Life has been very Life-y lately, have crawled inside my mind too often the past few weeks, a very dangerous place to be.
I was just making my to do list for the rest of the week and half watching a show called “Secret Lives of Women”, the episode being about women who have had drastic weight loss. One women lost 180 pounds through just diet and exercise, another lady lost 160 with the gastric band…and then became a burlesque dancer and pin up!
So I’m just kind of half watching this. Looking up in time to see the before pictures and think to myself “wow…she was huge” and then as my eyes drop back to my to do list I hear how much they weighed in the before pictures and my eyes shoot back up to the screen in shock! That’s my weight!! Oh my God! For ages I would say things like “well they are probably 5 inches shorter than me” or “Yeah, but I carry it better”…..those are all bullshit, weak excuses. Yes, I said it. Bull. Shit. I’m so mad at myself for letting myself off the hook so easily for so long.
I think these women are ridiculously fat and they end up being 5 pounds lighter than I am, why has it taken me so long to wake up? And why is my “waking up” process a slow and gradual wake up? They are saying the exact things I have always said “I saw my reflection and wondered who that fat person was and then realized it was me”, “I am not this fat person inside, I don’t feel inside the way that I look outside”.
It seems like everyone that deals with weight loss is much more in touch with reality than I am. They realize how they look eventually and deal with it. I feel like I have mini eye opening moments that make me sad and I start dieting and working out and then I slip back into my safe bubble and tell myself some sort of lie about how I’m not as bad off as I think.
Ok, enough pity party.
I have been stalling and hovering on weight loss but have been losing inches. I should have measured myself before starting all of this. All my pants are fitting too loosely, but I’m not yet the size of the next size down. I’m happy things are loose but frustrated I’m not a full size down yet. If this was a pin up style “Oopsie, my size 2 pants fell down while I was carrying these groceries” I would be embarrassed sure, but I’d get over it.
Let me give you a bit of a visual of what it actually looks like:
Imagine me walking down a city block. Imagine you are a stranger across the street looking at me.
You: “Oh my goodness! Call 911! I think that fat girl is having a seizure! She’s flailing her feet, wiggling her ass, her hands are at her hips…..Oh, wait, I think she just keeps pulling her pants up every few steps….nevermind”
Yes, this is what it looks like. Adam caught me doing this routine the other night to great comic relief, for him.
What is doing WONDERS for my anxiety riddled mind is a 2 week family vacation to the Outer Banks, we are leaving Saturday! I am so excited to hang out on the beach, float in the pool, relax on the deck. What I also plan on doing is lots of swimming, walking in the sand and I’m going to ask my mom and sister to do callanetics with me every day…we can sweat then jump in the pool!!!
Going to weigh myself right before vacation and then when I get back. We’ll see how well I do! It is vacation after all!
Hugs,
Fatty McB.
Song for today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCZ_bv9aLc
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